Hello friends. I hope you are well and not dead. But judging by the number of hits my
posts have received so far, you are likely all dead. In which case, that sucks mate, hope you feel better soon.
That paragraph above is sloppy writing. I mean seriously, as a former English student, I
should not have changed from talking to a group, as I first addressed you, to talking to one
person. I was aware as I wrote this, but by the end it seemed to work better comedically if I
spoke to you guys as one person, rather than a group.
Talking about good comedy, do you know what the secret to good comedy is? Timing.
Hmmm. Maybe that particular joke works better out loud.
Nevertheless, this weeks challenge dictates I tell you guys my favourite T.V quote. I've
been stressing over this since Monday- despite hours of back and forths with Emily over the
years, where we just scream quotes at one another, in my hour of need these have all
abandoned me. Alas, I am going to have to cheat, and revert to a radio show quote. Please
don't hate me. Anyway, has anyone listened to cabin pressure? 'Hey Cheif, I might be wrong, but I think we might be flying into a mountain'...
(That was the quote. Seriously, the show is great, and makes sense, unlike this post)
But onto my topic this week, and guess what? I'm actually organised! I'm writing this at
3 minutes to 11 on FRIDAY evening. Who knows, maybe I'll write a fantastic and complete
essay tonight, and I can get it posted early tomorrow. Likely not. Never mind- I'm going on
tangents a bit this week aren't I? Is that another tangent? Is it possible to get back to my main
point from here? Let's play word association... Tangent... Maths... Triangles... Pythagoras...
Ancient Greece... Sparta... SPARTA!
So, without further ado, I will talk about Sparta. Most famous in our generation for the
2006 film they inspired, or rather the comic they inspired, which was turned into a film, the
Spartans were many things. Communist (almost?) Fascist (says Hitler) yet most importantly,
badass. My Greek history professor is a massive fan of Sparta, so I had an extensive lecture
on the topic a few weeks ago, as a result I am basically going to use those notes right now, so
just sit back and pretend you are in my lecture theatre. (If you need help imagining just
picture some annoying guy eating crisps loudly is on one side of you, and on the other side a
girl is apologising profusely to a flatmate for throwing up in her sink last night- you get the
idea).
Anyway, why not use the film as guidance? (Because that's totally not what my lecturer
did, and I'm not copying him in any way, seriously guys, if copy-write comes into this, I
actually haven't) We see Spartans sporting glorious red capes, which is important because they actually DID. Well, sort of red. Also purple, probably looked a bit reddish though. You see,
Spartans were Lacedaemonians (Spartans is a bit easier to say) and around Lacedaemon
(Sparta) there was a special type of mollusc, that was needed to produce the red/purple dye.
This was incredibly expensive, but because of how many molluscs there were near Sparta,
lots of soldiers wore a red cape- basically to say 'look how badass we are- we all get fancy
capes, screw you Athens.'
Capes aside, that last sentence was most of Spartan history.
I'm not going to discuss the upbringing of Spartans too much. Essentially, it sucked.
Young boys were taken from their family at age 7, and immediately put into harsh training.
Food was limited to barley and groats, maybe bay leaves. They were given little clothes, and
routinely flogged. Life was no easier for the women either, so push aside any notions of the
demure and oppressed Greek mistress. No, women were made to exercise regularly, and
dance naked in front of men from childhood, so they were afraid to be overweight or
unattractive. Stories were spoon fed to both genders of the ideal and heroic Hoplite. But why
was this the case? Because Sparta was a military state, and they dreamed of making the
perfect soldier. Men joined mess halls, and were taught to fight, women were taught to bear
healthy sons, who could then become soldiers themselves.
According to some, namely the Russian government 1921-1991, Sparta was also communist. The polis has long been held up as an ideal of equality, men eat together from all
walks of life. Regardless of birth or status, you were a soldier, committed to your cause and
country. There was some measure of democracy, 'Ephors' and an assembly were elected, who
could, in theory, say yes or no to the decisions of the two kings. Generalships were held
annually. Currency wasn't gold, but iron rods, and everyone wore awesome and expensive
purple/red capes. Even the women seem to have had it better than in many other Greeks
states (though I shall contest this another time, when I can be bothered) and were respected
for being healthy and for being good, strong and proud mothers. On face value, maybe the
soviets were on to something, about Sparta at least. Not on everything else of course.
Especially Stalin. He was a bad idea.
But this was not an equal society, by any means. None of Greece is the pillar of
democracy we hold it up to be, and Sparta is no exception to the rule. While life was relatively
equal for citizens (in the last three sentences I have used italics twice, guess what I just found
out how to do?) it was by no means a classless utopia. Mess halls you entered were pretty
wealth oriented, and a farmers son was not going to end up in the same one as a prince. Also
the practice of eugenics doesn't seem that egalitarian, for you see, while in other Greek States
the father could decide whether or not to expose a child, in Sparta, that was the States
decision. Yes, the government had the power over life and death of every child born . Sparta,
unequivocally, was not an equal and democratic state.
But the biggest argument against spartan equality was that any arguments in its favour
are only applicable to citizens. And if you weren't a citizen? You were likely a helot. Helots
were slaves, from conquered Spartan territories usually, who had no land rights, and were
severely oppressed, despite vastly outnumbering their oppressors. These men and women
worked the farms and did the other seemingly menial tasks that kept the state running while
the rest of the polis was off playing soldiers. But do you know what happens when you leave
severely undermined and angry people behind while you go off to try and invade Athens
(again)? The answer, as Tsar Nicholas found out, is revolt.
(Disclaimer, I am not saying Tsar Nicholas II invaded Athens. That again is merely an
example of my sloppy writing and the fact I've referenced Russian history too much so now
it's stuck in my head)
Helots had a tendency to rebel when The Spartan army buggered off for any period of
time, or if there was an earthquake. Or if they were just generally annoyed. And the army
had to return, and put the revolution down. This worked, Sparta due to their efforts did have
an effective and good army, and they survived for a few hundred years without any major
government changes, but it still highlights the instability that lay at the heart of their state.
Their definition of equality was limited, and the internal issues it caused far too many for one
post.
So behold, Sparta. Not so much communists, fighting for glory and equality of man,
than viscous yet excellent soldiers. Life in the polis was hard, demanding, and dare I say it?
Spartan (there goes my one pun for the week, enjoy). It's now 23:40 Friday night, and my post
is practically written. Just one more movie quote for you guys
THIS IS SPARTA!
(Come on, don't judge me, it had to be said!)
Also, just an interesting point. My IPad recognised the word Stalin, but not Hitler. I wonder what that says- conspiracy theorists- away!
Rachael xxx
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